What You Always Wanted
by Mythdefied
Summary: So, two gods, a warrior princess, an Amazon bard, and a moron walk into a bar.... (Het fic, Discord&Strife)


General Comments: I should probably state right off that I'm a rabid feminist and none of this is in any way meant to be taken seriously. Just want to cover my butt there. Now that I have that out of the way.... 

Again, the Incredible Hercules Random Plot Generator gets credit for putting this idea into my mind. Of course I can't blame it for where I took the idea, so I guess I'll take the blame/credit for that. *snerk* There's no slash here. No explicit sex either, but what's there is all het. Discord/Strife, to be precise. Yes, I went a little further over that line. The plot I used is at the end of the story. 

Dedicated to Maggie Z as a late B-day prezzie. Sorry it took so long, and I know it's not explicit enough, but I hope you like it anyway. :) 

Thanks muchly to Candace for the title, the quick beta, and for pushing me to add a bit more description in a couple places. All remaining mistakes are mine. 

Warnings: R 

Disclaimers: No money earned, no ownership claimed, and no infringement intended. 

Archive: Joxerotica, ff.net, RCoS, my LJ, and my site.   


*********************   
What You Always Wanted   
by Erin   
October 2003   
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"_Why_ are we here again?" Discord said through her teeth, looking with disgust at the counter before them. Even Strife wrinkled his nose a bit when confronted by the unidentifiable stains and sticky spots covering the wood, and he wasn't exactly known for being a clean freak. 

"Fun," he said, his tone clipped as he seated himself on one of the rickety bar stools. "We're here for the entertainment, 'cause it's not like Ares has a whole lot of battles going on in the winter, now does he?" 

Discord rolled her eyes at him, then looked around the smoke-filled inn with even more pronounced disgust as she gingerly seated herself beside him, arranging her long black skirt in a way that spoke of unfamiliarity and more than a little discomfort with the garment. 

The place wasn't packed, but there were more mortals milling about than either of them would normally care to be around outside of a battle. The snowstorm outside would probably keep too many more mortals from joining this crowd, which was just fine by Strife. There were enough here to keep them hidden from certain people who would know them. That, and the different outfits Strife had insisted they wear. Discord had bitched about it, but she'd eventually pulled her hair back in a knot and stuffed herself into a plain black dress fitted with an armored bodice -- "stuffed" being the operative word considering that Strife was debating asking her how exactly she was keeping her tits from falling out of said bodice -- and Strife had come up with some of his old, dented bronze armor. The helmet had always sat funny and the noseguard was a bit too wide, but it worked well for his purpose here. They were as disguised as they'd get without changing forms and Strife didn't want to play this one like that. It would be more...satisfying if they pulled this off as themselves. 

"Do that again and you'll lose that hand!" Discord said with a hiss. Strife looked at her and grinned when he saw her shove some mortal man away. 

"Whatsamatter, Discord, not feeling friendly tonight?" he said with mock sympathy. "Maybe if you told him how much you charge, he'd leave you alone." 

That got him her "glare of death" and a kick aimed at his shin, which he easily dodged, crossing one leg over the other. 

"So when does this 'fun' start?" Discord asked testily. Another man walked up to her, grinning drunkenly. She simply held up her hand, fingers bent into claws, sharp nails clearly visible. The man did an about-face and stumbled off quickly into the crowd. 

"Well, it already has for me," Strife smiled sweetly at her, "but if you mean the reason we came here? I'd guess, right about...now." 

At that moment a tall, gangly man pushed his way through the crowd. A heavy layer of snow covered his helmet and shoulders, some of it falling onto the patrons around him as he made his way towards the bar, a string of, "Excuse me," "Oops, sorry! Didn't see your foot there," "Coming through -- didn't mean to knock that over on you," trailing along with him. 

Discord's eyebrows rose. "Is that who I think it is?" 

"Yeah; he know you? Because he's never seen me." Strife glanced at her with a frown. 

"Not in this outfit he doesn't." Discord sounded sure about that, so Strife just nodded and turned his attention to the bar right as Joxer reached it, coming to a halt with a pronounced rattle of his "armor" and a small shower of snow as much of it fell to the floor around him. 

"Wine," Joxer ordered, smiling broadly at the barkeep as he set his helmet down on the counter, scattering the remaining snow in a light dusting around it, and fumbled for his money pouch. 

"Let me buy that for you," Strife said, keeping his tone smooth and friendly as he tossed a couple dinars onto the counter. 

Joxer turned that smile on him. "Hey, thanks! Wow, people in this place sure are friendlier than the last inn we stayed at." 

The barkeep dropped the mug of wine down in front of Joxer with a grunt, sweeping up the dinars with his free hand and moving off to fill other orders, all before Joxer could say anything. "Thank you!" Joxer called after him anyway. That got him more than a few strange looks from the other patrons, most of whom had probably never said that in their lives. 

"You're here with someone?" Strife prompted, smiling as pleasantly as he knew how. 

"Oh, yeah." Joxer paused to take a long drink of his wine. "I'm traveling with my sidekicks. By the way, I'm Joxer the Mighty, one of the greatest warriors alive; heard of me?" 

"Of course," Strife said with a shrug, a movement he used to conceal the elbow he dug into Discord's side. 

"Who hasn't heard of you?" Discord said in an overly-sweet tone -- and punched Strife's arm in retaliation. 

"You travel around 'righting wrongs and singing songs,' right?" Strife asked, ignoring her. 

Joxer's grin threatened to split his face wide open. "You know my song?" He sounded as happy as a child on Solstice morning. "I've never met anyone who's heard it before! I've got some new verses now, I--I can sing them for you!" 

""Say, you're looking kind of thirsty there," Strife said quickly, feeling Discord recoil beside him. "Long journey?" 

"We've been on the road for weeks," Joxer agreed, and took a long drink. 

"So tell us about it; I could use some good tales about Joxer the Mighty's latest exploits." 

"Um, I really should check on my friends." Joxer peered through the crowd with a frown. 

"Oh, come on, this is a nice place; they'll be fine." Strife palmed a few more dinars -- drawn from the money pouches of the mortals around them because he couldn't resist the opportunity to cause a bit of trouble that way -- and tossed them on the counter. 

"Keep the wine coming," he ordered the barkeep, and got a curt nod in return. 

"Well, in that case, I guess they'll be okay. Gabby said she wanted some alone time to look over her scrolls anyway." Joxer drained his mug and held it out for a refill. "Thanks again." He grinned at Strife. 

"Not a problem. So is this 'Gabby' one of your sidekicks?" 

"Yep, her and Xena. They help out a little when I'm rescuing people and saving towns, stopping wars, things like that." 

"Xena? Never heard of her. You?" Strife looked at Discord, raising an eyebrow. 

"Nope. Is she supposed to be famous?" Discord asked in a clueless tone. 

"Well, kind of, I guess." Joxer shrugged. "But not as famous as me -- and don't I know you?" He squinted a bit, cocking his head to the side as he looked at her. 

"Oh, I'm sure I would've remembered meeting a great warrior like you," Discord said, her tone turning husky as she leaned forward, giving Joxer a good view of her suddenly heaving breasts, and Strife had to respect that trick because he sure couldn't pull it off. "You're just so much to...take in." She actually batted her lashes at Joxer, and Strife wondered if that worked on mortal men in general, or if Joxer was just exceptionally not bright. He suspected it was the latter one. 

Whatever the reason, Joxer had gone slack-jawed, hand frozen in the act of raising his mug to his lips while he just stared. 

"Yeah, okay; knock it off now before you fry his brain or something," Strife muttered under his breath, digging an elbow into her side again. 

Discord leaned back, hitting Strife in the shoulder once she could conceal the movement. 

"Tell me more about this Gabby of yours," Strife said, tapping the side of Joxer's mug to get his attention. 

"Huh? Oh, Gabby!" Joxer blinked then and shook his head before resuming his aborted motion and drinking from the mug. "Right, well, she's not exactly mine, I mean, yeah, she's my best friend and a great sidekick, but she's not...mine." He looked a little depressed as he said that and followed it up with a far longer drink than he'd had before, draining the mug. 

"Not yours?" Strife frowned in mock disbelief. "You can't be serious." 

"A big, brave warrior like you?" Discord said, her tone still that husky drawl she'd used before. "The girls have to be falling all over themselves to get to _you_." 

"They are!" Joxer assured them, glancing at his mug as the barkeep refilled it. "I always have plenty of--of...companionship, it's just that Gabby, well...she's different." 

"How so?" Strife asked. 

"She's...tougher, that's all." Joxer took a drink, then stared into his mug with a frown. "She's a bard, but she's a fighter too and nothing I've tried works with her." Another drink, and he looked back up at them. 

"What, you've tried it all?" Discord asked with false compassion. "Flowers, gifts, poetry?" 

"All of it." Joxer sighed morosely. 

"Well, there's your mistake right there," Strife said with a shrug. 

"Huh?" Joxer frowned at him. 

"You're going about it all wrong. You said it yourself, Gabby is _tougher_ than the women you're used to. She's different, so you have to treat her differently. Get it?" 

"Um...no." Joxer shook his head. 

Strife leaned forward, waggling his eyebrows slightly. "Women warriors are a different breed from regular women, you know. They need...special handling." 

"Special han--? What d'you mean?" Taking another long drink, Joxer leaned forward as well, brown eyes wide with curiosity and hope, so vulnerable in his need for understanding. Strife had to work hard to suppress a cackle. 

"See, they're only tough on the outside," he said, lowering his voice slightly. "On the inside though, they're all lonely. They want a man in their lives, but they're too into their images to admit it. What they _really_ want is for a guy to come along and take charge of them, _tell_ them what they need." 

Joxer didn't look convinced. "I--I dunno about that. I mean, you don't know Gabrielle, or Xena. They've always seemed pretty happy on their own." 

"Right, they _seem_ happy. But they aren't. Why do you think they follow you, huh? It's not just Gabrielle, I promise. They both want you, but they're too stubborn to admit it, even to themselves." 

"That...that can't be right. What about Amazons? _They_ never need any men," Joxer pointed out before taking a deep drink. 

"Don't they?" Strife smirked. "I've met plenty of Amazons, and let me tell you, they're all in serious denial. Don't believe me? I've got my proof right here." He turned to Discord -- who was looking at him like she'd found her own proof of his insanity -- and threw his arm around her shoulders. Hugging her tightly to stop her from hitting him, he pulled her around to where Joxer could see her better. 

"Dikte here was an Amazon for years, weren't you, Sweetcakes?" He squeezed her shoulders hard. 

"Uh...yeah! I was running through the forests with my tribe, celebrating the moon and the hunt since I was a little girl." 

"And now she's my little woman," Strife finished. "Aren't you, Sugarpie?" 

Discord smiled at him, teeth flashing sharply. "Sure thing, Baby. I just didn't know what I really needed until you came along, Studly." 

"See?" Strife grinned at Joxer. "All you need to do is show your girls their place in life. Show them that you're the kind of dude who's ready to step in and take charge." 

Joxer still looked doubtful. At that moment, Discord reached up and stroked Strife's hand on her shoulder -- then grabbed one of his fingers and twisted. Strife immediately let her go. As she stepped past him, he swatted her on the ass. He knew he'd pay for it later, but he really had to get his gropes in when the opportunity flaunted itself like that. 

"It's all true, Joxer," Discord said, sliding a hand up Joxer's chest and over his shoulder. "That's the secret to women, you know." She pressed up against him, looking up at him from beneath her eyelashes. "We all want to be dominated," she said breathily. 

Joxer gasped, kind of a squeaking sound. Discord smiled and moved away, almost sliding around behind him. Keeping her hand on his shoulder, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his ear. "Just be the man I know you are; go up to them and _tell_ them how things are going to be." 

Raising his mug with a visibly trembling hand, Joxer drained it again and set it down for a refill. He still seemed a little...unsure, but he wasn't voicing his disbelief anymore. 

"It's all in the attitude, Joxer," Strife said. "Now, they'll deny they want you 'cause they have an image to maintain, but deep down inside, they're just _aching_ for a man to tell them what to do. They feel so lost and alone, and you don't want them miserable like that, do you?" 

"Uh-uh." Joxer shook his head slowly. 

"Then you should stake your claim now, in front of everyone here. Your girls will love you for it, right, Honeymuffin?" Strife turned it over to Discord once more. 

"Oh, you're _so_ right, Big Daddy," Discord said, resting her chin on Joxer's shoulder. "Don't let them tell shoot you down because that's all that loneliness and insecurity talking. They need you, Joxer; they need you to direct their lives for them because in their hearts, they just know they shouldn't be making their own decisions." 

"Totally. My little Candybiscuit knows what she's saying." Strife grinned at Discord. "Remember that you're a warrior and they follow _you_. They already know what they need, and now you have to _show_ them that!" 

Joxer drained his mug in one long swallow. The doubt was gone from his expression, but there was a hint of fear there. That was smart considering the "girls" they were talking about, but Strife didn't want him smart, he wanted dumb and determined. He motioned for the barkeep to refill Joxer's mug again. 

"I know you've got what it takes to get in there and get your women," Discord said, stroking Joxer's shoulder. "I knew it the moment I saw you walk up to this bar. You're just so...domineering! It makes me melt!" 

"Hey, don't go poaching on my woman there," Strife warned lazily, reaching out, snagging Discord's arm and yanking her towards him. Fortunately she released Joxer or he would've gone stumbling after her as she fell into Strife's lap, sitting hard on his thigh. 

"Oh, you know I wouldn't stray, you smooth-talking, hunk of hotness, you." She dug her nails straight into his thigh, easily penetrating the armor and the leather under it. 

Strife gritted his teeth and managed something resembling a smile. "I know I'm all the man you need, my little Snugglekitten." He wrapped an arm around her waist. 

See, Joxer, _this_ is what's waiting for you," Strife said, running his fingers over Discord's right breast. She'd probably break his hand later, but it was worth it for the glazed look that came over Joxer's eyes. "All you have to do is go after it." 

"You're always _so_ romantic, Sweetiepoo." Discord rested one hand on the back of his neck and squeezed hard. 

"You know you love it, Creampuff." Strife grinned at her. 

The sound of a mug slamming down on the counter drew their attention back to Joxer. He was wiping his mouth off on his ragged gauntlets, staring out into the crowd with a focused expression. 

"You're right!" He said forcefully, grabbing his helmet. "I'm perfect for Gabby, Xena too! They just haven't admitted it yet." He shoved his helmet down on his head and stood up straight, only wobbling slightly as he grinned at them. "Thanks to you two, I'm about to make Xena and Gabby the happiest women in Greece!" His words weren't slurring so he probably wasn't too far gone yet, only just enough. 

"Joxer the Mighty is going to set things right!" he announced, then walked into the crowd, although it did more closely resemble a stagger. "Make way! There's a warrior coming through!" he yelled. 

Strife watched him disappear into the crowd, chuckling under his breath. 

"Gabby, it's your lucky day! Your _man_ is here!" The shout rang out through the room, over every conversation. 

The crowd was too thick to see through, but seeing wasn't really necessary. 

"Joxer! Are you _crazy_? Get your hands off of me!" 

"Put that stick down, Gabby; I know you want me and I'm not gonna wait any longer to let you have me -- _ow_!" 

The _thwap_ of a staff connecting with flesh was very audible even over the other patrons, who seemed content to ignore what was going on across the room. 

"Nice work, Cutiedumpling," Discord said sweetly, "now get your hands off of me before I rip your balls out through your nose." 

"Oh, don't be that way, Cuddlemumps." Strife smirked, squeezing her breast. "Ah-ah." He held up a hand when she bared her teeth and drew back her fist. "Wait for it," he advised in the same sweet tone she'd used. 

"Now, don't fight it, Gabby. I know what you need and I'm here to give it to you!" 

This time the _thwap_ was louder. 

Just a few seconds later, "Stop playing hard to get, Gabby; you're my woman!" 

The corner of Discord's mouth curved up into a reluctant half-smile as the sound of wood smacking into a head resounded through the room. 

"I know you're just in denial, Gabby! Your one true love is here to save you!" 

_thwap_

"Now, it's probably hard to accept, because I know you never thought you'd be lucky enough to have me, but here I am!" 

_thunk_

The smile had changed to a small smirk now. "Okay, Strife, you were right, this is entertaining," Discord said, dragging the words out as though hesitant to make the admission. 

Strife just grinned. "Oh, it gets better." 

"You don't have to worry anymore; Joxer the Mighty is here to take charge!" 

This time the whole building shook as the sound of a body hitting the wall echoed around them. 

"Xena! Ha! I knew you couldn't resist me either! Your days of loneliness are over! Just let me--urk!" 

The walls shook again and Strife wondered if the old inn would hold up to much more abuse. 

"I know you know you need a man to take over, Xena, and I'm the one for the job!" 

A dual chorus of a _thwap_ and a _thud_, accompanied by more shaking of the building. 

"He doesn't quit, does he?" Discord asked, her smirk broadening. 

"Of course not, it's _Joxer_. Once you get him wound up, he just keeps going and going, right on into infinity, or until he passes out, but he's got a hard head so it'll be a while." Strife giggled. 

"I'm here to save you both! I'm the man of your dreams!" 

A bit of dust fell from the roof with that impact. 

"You're evil, Strife." And that didn't sound reluctant at all. 

"Mmm, yeah. We are, aren't we?" He smirked at her. 

"Deep down, you both know you've been needing me for years! You just have to admit--Aaah!" 

That sounded like more of a crunch, maybe one of the tables breaking, but Strife couldn't figure it out because suddenly Discord's hand was on his thigh again and all his attention was on her, on that smile she was giving him. 

"You know, Strife, I think I might be able to find a use for your balls right where they are." She slid her hand higher right as her mouth came down on his. 

Eagerly meeting her tongue, Strife had the stray thought that for all her sharp weapons and hard words, Discord was surprisingly soft. 

"Come on, Xena, Gabby; you know you want--eeek!" 

Another crash, and Strife barely heard it because his hands were sliding under Discord's skirt and she wasn't trying to kill him and she really was so very, very soft. 

Fin 

Plot) Strife dares someone to make a pass at Gabrielle. They're at an old, roadside inn and there's a snowstorm raging outside.   
Three words: heaving, infinity, strange. 

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© 1998-2003, Erin. 


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